Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Wordless Wednesday

Date night! Just the other night my husband & I went out together! I was much needed & only our 2nd time ever leaving our daughter with a babysitter. I think it was good for all of us:D

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Wordless Wednesday

Quick someone call CPS! This child is out of beer!
Ok..obviously a joke ..she wanted a red cup like daddy had at his company party so I obliged her ..When she wandered over to the keg & asked me for some of the water like daddy had ..I had to take a picture 1st....
Obviously ..(at least I hope it's obvious) I'm not giving my child beer ! Truth be told ..I still water her juice down & only let her drink water after a certain hour ..

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

wordless Wednesday

Have you ever wondered what I looked like at the ripe age of 17/18 ?  Well, here ya go ..this is me in all of my goofy glory..note the black hair w/ blond roots....yeah I was hardcore like that ! lol

Monday, August 23, 2010

a life forever changed

     9 years ago today my life changed forever.  I had an accident while working as a CNA & fell down . That day lives forever in my memory & I've relived it countless times.  That day I was running down a hallway after a patient w/ severe Alzheimer's disease that was going out the 3rd floor door to the stairway. He wasn't conscious of what he was doing  & was also physically impaired. He was pretty much guaranteed to get hurt :( I was the only one around & had to act quickly to help him. So..I ran for him..& just as I got almost to him I slipped on a huge puddle from the leaking air conditioner . Down I went ..ass over tea kettle as they say ..I smacked my head & shoulder off of the unforgiving linoleum. Somehow b/c of adrenaline I assume I got back up  right away & still grabbed "Wilbur " & got him out of harms way . Other nurses had come out of the patients rooms by then & had witnessed my tumble. I was embarrassed & shaken & sore ..but, I knew that we were understaffed & tried to get right back to work. Moments later my legs went numb & off to the ER they hauled me.  

     Once I was in the ER it moved pretty quickly & frankly things got pretty hazy for me. They thought that I'd broken my neck in the fall & had me restrained & supported.  The doctors ran a million tests on me.. My shoulder was badly injured , I'd obtained some sort of head injury which caused them to run a million more tests ..It got pretty scary & I got foggier & foggier speech started to slur like I was drunk. When they finally determined that my neck wasn't broken just extremely whip-lashed  & let me out of my restraint I could hardly walk. It was pretty goddamn scary!  They couldn't figure it out & to make a long story short it took them over a week to diagnose me w/ what they called a  mild traumatic brain injury .  It surely felt far from mild to me! 
     I couldn't talk very well & on the few occasions over the next few months that I did go out into public w/ my speech impediment I was treated as though I was mentally handicapped & given those smiles of pity that only the disabled can understand. The people giving them mean well no doubt but, the recipient seldom wants that attention & pity . My walking was impaired like that of a stroke victim so my one leg pretty much dragged behind me like my name was Igor left arm was also pretty useless..thank god I'm right handed. Even that didn't do much good b/c when I coudln't speak intelligently to another person & was asked to write it out for them..I struggled to even do that . Forming words & finding the corrects ones was a monumental task all of the sudden .   I even carried a notebook & pen b/c this happened so often & frankly I had to write everything down b4 I forgot it . I had been an honors student especially  in English ..& now I could hardly speak & barely even write down the simplest of things.  I obviously couldn't drive a car in my condition & had to walk or w/e you could call it at that point everyplace that I went . The problem w/ that was that I would also get lost a bit more than a block from my apt & not be able to recognize places that I'd been to a million times .. 
thank god I managed to get a cell phone to make all of those pathetic 'I'm lost again" calls.
     I coudln't work in that condition so I had to rely on the measly workman's comp checks ..resulting in a lot of debt & struggling. I attended a day program for people w/ brain injury's. I have to admit that I resented it immensely !  I had been on the other end of this kind of treatment only weeks ago  & now I was the patient. I attended physical therapy every week day to re-learn walking & balance .  I struggled w/ so many things at that point ..going to stores was overstimulating & overwhelming & I would leave crying on more than one occasion simply b/c there were too many damn shampoos to choose from. I hated the "new" me, the "stupid me" , the "disabled me" ..I was young..only 20 ..soon to be 21 ..I was supposed to be partying ..I was supposed to be starting college to get my degree in surgical nursing (something they later told me would never happen b/c of my permanent impairments.)  I didn't know what I had done to deserve this , & felt so confused & depressed that my injury was caused by trying to help someone else! How could a good deed be punished so harshly? It just wasn't fair!! I was depressed , majorly depressed & was suffering from post traumatic stress disorder . I had terrible pain b/c of my back & neck injuries ..and while I'd love to say that that part is so much better now ..the truth is that I'm still in pain everyday. I do Yoga & go to see my Chiropractor but, they've told me that I can never hope to be "pain free" ..what a lovely thought!? 
I'd also managed to injure both sides of my jaw pretty good in the fall & had constant jaw pain & eventually had to have surgery on both sides of my jaw. ..All of this from one puddle ..from one good deed gone very bad...
I've had a LOT of therapy for this ..& I won't lie..I probably still need more. I felt like my life was ruined & the path that I'd intended was forever changed. I was damaged beyond repair in some ways both physically & mentally ...I hated everything there was to hate at that point . I'm not telling this story to make anyone feel bad for me..I'm not trying to throw a giant pity party for myself ..I'm just telling this story mostly for my own healing that I haven't really told to many people ..In fact most people that know me now don't know that I'm "brain damaged" . I find that can be both a blessing & a curse ..b/c while I don't want people to judge me based on that or treat me differently or as "special " I also have times when I do need a break & wish folks knew that I wasn't just a flake or a dumb blond..that there really is a good reason why I forgot about our coffee date or can't remember X , Y or Z..
Or..maybe I'm not just completely insane for being totally OCD about any sort of puddle or ice ..maybe I have a good reason to be scared..
    In 9 years I've obviously come a long way from not being able to walk w/o looking like Igor or barely being able to speak or write..It was a long road & a fight to say the least.  I'm not back to the "old me" I can barely remember her now. I don't know what she would think of the "new me" but, I hope that she would be proud of how far I've come , the strength that I've tried to show & the lessons that I've learned in all of this . I may have had a long journey back to "normal" but, I'll never be the same again ...& I'm just starting to be ok w/ that ..I'm a better person after all of this ..that is all I can hope for 


Saturday, August 21, 2010

drawing time

my sweet lil' girl has been drawing & crafting up a storm ..which I admittedly love a LOT! The other day she drew me this picture of her daddy which for someone that is only 25 months old seems pretty dang good! I have to say that it is sideways b/c of my picture so don't judge it based on that..but, still I'm proud of my little budding artist! I can only imagine what other pictures she's got up her sleeve ...
She seriously makes at least 10 a day ..:D sometimes it's markers , sometimes it's glue & foam shapes or noodles's always a big mess that's worth every minute of it & so much fun :D

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

wordless Wednesday

I'm back!

& here's a picture of 2 of my favorite people in this world ..My sweet little girl Saya & my awesome Auntie Lois!
She came over a couple weeks back to babysit Saya..which was a HUGE step for us! It was the first time that someone other than my husband or I watched her.
It was a big success & she keeps asking when Auntie Lois can come over to play again :D

Sunday, August 8, 2010

taking a break

I just wanted to take the time to let anyone who reads this know that I'm taking a little break from my blog . I don't have a lot to say right now & it's summer time so there's way more to do than sit inside :D
I hope that everyone is doing well & I'll still try to keep up w/ your blogs as much as I can..
I promise to be back soon :D

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

wordless Wednesday_the birthday edition !



          I won't bore you endlessly w/ how much Saya loved her 2nd birthday party..The pictures can show that !
Her 2nd birthday party theme was an underwater adventure b/c of her love of fish & sharks..:D
She seemed to really like it but, I think that her favorite part was hearing everyone sing "happy birthday" to her! She smiled so big that I almost teared up seeing the joy on her face! 
:D what a great day~

Friday, July 30, 2010

5 years ago today :D

arriving in my house drawn carriage , fairy tale style
I do!
our wedding was lemon flavored & oh so awesome!
after the gorgeous outdoor ceremony

cheers !

our 1st dance as a married couple

Thursday, July 15, 2010

to be continued Thursday

& rather than drone on & on I'll just overload you w/ pics of my darling daughter ! She'll be 2 on Friday so, I'm taking a look back ..yesterday I looked at the 1st 12 months & now for the second 12 :D

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

wordless Wednesday

In just a couple days my sweet baby girl will be two! I can hardly believe it! Starting w/ my baby bump the day before I delivered here's a look at the first year of her life. Stay tuned tomorrow for 12-24 months ..I didn't want to do a picture overload :D

Monday, July 12, 2010

3 freak outs & a wedding

                     What a weekend!  2 dear friends of ours got married on Saturday! Friday evening was the rehearsal dinner w/ practice at the church for all of the members of the wedding party . My sweet husband was in the wedding so we went along. I was really looking forward to it ! There were even other kids my LO's age there for her to play w/ !   I truly thought that it was going to be a fun night!   I was pretty much mistaken! Saya was excited to put on her pretty dress but, once we got there & we tried to go into the church itself she FREAKED out . It was bad! She kept yelling "go back to the car & make it go vroom vroom!"  She pretty much had a full on panic attack & I took her back outside to play in the grass & blow bubbles. Even that didn't keep her happy for long & before long she insisted that we go back to the car . I had no choice. I took her to the car & we colored pictures.   After the rehearsal was over we all went up the street to a really neat Scottish restaurant . Sadly Saya was still feeling out of sorts so I was sequestered to the "children's table" w/ her..someone had to take care of her & my hubby had wedding type drinking beer to attend to .  I tried to make the best of it , even though frankly I'm starved for adult interaction as it is !
                     The next day was the wedding itself & I was hoping for the best and thrilled for our friends. Mason had to leave early to ride in the limo w/ the rest of the wedding party.   After a long car ride squeaky & I finally arrive at the wedding & manage to find a parking space. I'm prepared for battle ..armed w/ coloring books, lollipops etc. I really wanted this to work.  As soon as the car stopped Saya started saying "go back, go back to the car & make it go vroom vroom!" *sigh* I put her in her stroller & proceeded . As soon as that church was in sight she started crying , yelling , screaming , & freaking out again ! I had told her that we would see daddy there b/c he was supposed to be out front greeting people. Too bad, the limo ran out of gas & the wedding party was still in the back so daddy was no place to be seen! I tried the lollipop. It didn't work. I tried giving her almost everything in my purse but , the yelling & crying didn't stop. We stood outside for a while before someone finally told me where I could find the groomsmen. I hoped that seeing daddy could at least stop the screams of "go see daddy!' Despite the glares from the mother of the groom & others I went around the back of the church w/ my screaming kid. She almost calmed down but, then they had to take pictures & we had to go back outside.   I wanted to cry too now! I really didn't want to miss this wedding . I tried for a while to convince her that it was ok to go in but ,instead she became the unofficial greeter at the wedding that just screamed at all the incoming guests & said "go back to the car &make it go vroom vroom!" & of course everyone there stared & whispered w/e they had to say!  I gave up sadly & took her for a walk & finally back to the car. :( I didn't want to ruin someone's wedding or torture my obviously freaked out child anymore.  So, here's some pictures of the ceremony from our car.. Saya colored & I tried my best not to be sad.   Thankfully from where we parked I could see the bridesmaids coming out the back of the church & knew when it was over.   I took squeaky to the front of the church w/ me to at least watch them come out which she was fairly ok w/ b/c everyone was blowing bubbles . She even got to get down & run around in the grass w/ her buddy .   We tried to take a nice family picture but, she wasn't having that either. *sigh*   The reception wasn't too terrible thankfully! We did get to sit w/ her friends & even though Mason had to be at the head table we managed to have some fun!  Once the dance floor opened up she tore that thing up w/ a vengeance !   Everyone loved her at the reception & she was back to her bubbly , happy self! thank goodness!   After all of the running around wildly though she tired out & after a few hours there she wanted to go back to the car for "milkies". She fell right asleep & the fun was over for me too..I wanted to stay & celebrate but, instead I had to pack it in & go home w/o my darling husband b/c he still had wedding stuff to do. I was sad to have missed so much of the celebration but, a mama has to make sacrifices for her child sometimes.  That's my story..I'm hoping we don't have any more weddings anytime soon , or at least any church weddings .